NHL to Unveil Beer Pong at the 2011 All-Star Weekend

NHL Beer Pong 2011 Extravaganza
Earlier this month, the NHL unveiled its plans for a new All-Star game format, in which team captains will each select their rosters playground style. The change was sparked by the expressions of many that the All-Star weekend is typically a snooze-fest. While I’m not entirely sure that this new development will solve all the problems, kudos are due to the league for being willing to try a new approach.

Until last Thursday night, I didn’t realize just how open minded they were:

Bob McKenzie
TSNBobMcKenzie Bob McKenzie

@biznasty2point0 Working on Flip Cup at ASG but you may have to settle for Beer Pong.

18 Nov 8:11pm

This is an amazing development. We all know that NHL players are among the elite athletes on the globe. But I often wonder how they would fare at more everyday-Joe type skills: bowling, darts, yo-yo, and of course, Beer Pong.

Anyone not familiar with Beer Pong can learn all that is needed from this illustration:

Beer Pong illustration
Since I don’t think the NHL will allow Bissonnette to actually captain one of the All-Star teams and dress what he announced would be his ideal squad, I’m sure they would at least let him captain a Beer Pong team. I also have no doubt that since this was Bob’s idea, he would want to participate, so he would be another captain.

With the help of my trusty Flux Capacitor and Toyota Corolla, I bring back -through time- to you, the transcript of how the events unfolded:

Randy Moller: Hello everyone, thanks for tuning in to the 2011 Discover Labatt Blue Bridgestone Shakey’s Pizza NHL Super Awesome Beer Pong Extravaganza. I’m Randy Moller, voice of the Florida Panthers on Sports Talk 790 The Ticket. From the sideline tonight is TSN’s Pierre McGuire, how are you tonight, Pierre?

Pierre McGuire: Thanks Randy, there’s magic in the air tonight, can you smell it?

Randy Moller: Are you holding a replica of Sidney Crosby’s backside up to your face?

Pierre McGuire: Magical.

Randy Moller: Can you just introduce our teams please?

Pierre McGuire: Our first team is captained by Paul Bissonnette, the king of FaceSpace.

Randy Moller: I think you mean Twitter.

Pierre McGuire: What’d you call me?

Paul Bissonnette: Boom.

Pierre McGuire: Paul, tell us a little something about yourself.

Paul Bissonnette: You can call me Biz Nasty. I like homeless people, pranking my teammates, and all my Biznatches.

Pierre McGuire: I don’t understand anything you just said, but you’re not afraid to drop the gloves and fighting is old time hockey. I like you. Come closer to me.

BizNasty: What?

Pierre McGuire: K, have fun out there. Who’s your teammate tonight, Mr. Nasty?

BizNasty: I chose Dan Ellis because he was the only other NHL player that no one has ever heard of with over 10,000 Twitter followers.

Dan Ellis: That’s right.

BizNasty: And because he’s a baller. Show ’em your ice, D-Nice.

Pierre McGuire: Is that a glass statue of your face on that necklace?

Dan Ellis: Diamond. Blood Diamond actually.

Pierre McGuire: Great, have fun out there tonight. Your opponents are the oddest couple since I tried to score with Darren Dutchysen, my colleague Bob-

Bob McKenzie: I thought we discussed not calling me that.

Pierre McGuire: My superior, Bob McKenzie. Hello sir.

Bob McKenzie: Jesus, suck in your gut. You look like a bald 10-year-old kid dressing up as an adult. I’ll take it from here. My partner tonight is Andy Sutton. At 6’6″ he is a beer drinking, ping-pong ball throwing, war machine.

Andy Sutton: Are you asking me or telling me?

Bob McKenzie: See what I mean? Back to you, Randy.

Randy Moller: It’s time to start the game. To get under way, here is our Beer Pong referee, Patrick Kane.

Patrick Kane: Gentlemen, you know the rules. Sink ’em both, get ’em back, rebuttals are in effect. (Drinks a sip of Labatt)

Dan Ellis: Should the referee be drinking?

Patrick Kane: (points at one of the cups in front of Ellis) Deduction. Do not question the ref. (Two scantily clad young women enter and remove one of the cups from Team BizNasty’s side) Beauty.

Dan Ellis: (asks the girl who took the cup away) How much is he paying you, my dear?

Girl #1: Ew! Don’t touch me, old man!

Patrick Kane: (snaps his fingers) No talking to the Kaniacs. (a 2nd beer is deducted) Now, let’s get it on.

Randy Moller: Well it looks like we are finally ready to get this thing started. Chocolate Rain!

Patrick Kane: Team BizNasty will shoot first as they are down by 2.

BizNasty: This one is for my father.. and his stupid mustache. (He sinks it in the front cup)

Randy Moller: And BizNasty drains the first shot of the game! He is climbing in your window!

BizNasty: Let’s go D-Nice. Who is this?

Dan Ellis: I paid Dustin Diamond to throw my first shot for me. Let’s go Screech, get on with it.

Screech: (Throws a horrible shot, nowhere even near the table) Zoinks!

Patrick Kane: No substitute shooters. (Snaps his fingers and another cup is removed from Team BizNasty’s side)

BizNasty: What the hell is wrong with you?

Dan Ellis: Beer pong is for the poor.

Randy Moller: It’s time for Team MacDaddy to throw for the first time, and they are already up 3-1.

Bob McKenzie: This is a shot Mario taught me back in ’92. Eyes closed. (Bobby Mac closes his eyes and sinks it)

Randy Moller: And McKenzie buries it with his eyes closed! Oh, what does it mean?!

Pierre McGuire: I’m not getting your references at all tonight, Randy.

Randy Moller: You don’t frequent the YouTube?

Pierre McGuire: The what?

Randy Moller: That explains so much. Andy Sutton is up for his first attempt.

Andy Sutton: (Sutton carefully aims his shot. He throws and buries it center cup) Yes!

Patrick Kane: Arm foul. Shot is no good.

Andy Sutton: What.

Patrick Kane: Your elbow. It was over the front of the table. That’s a foul. Your shot doesn’t count.

Andy Sutton: So you saw it come over.

Bob McKenzie: Oh sh**.

Patrick Kane: That’s what I said.

Andy Sutton: So you saw it on the replay.

Patrick Kane: What? What replay?

Andy Sutton: So you’re an expert.

Patrick Kane: Uh yeah, do you see the official Beer Pong Referee Jersey? (Kane looks down to admire his jersey and is struck with an elbow to the bridge of his nose)

Randy Moller: And Sutton pops Patrick Kane in the schnoz! Now out of nowhere Brent Seabrook just came in and tackled Andy Sutton! Is this real life?!

BizNasty: I have to get a twitpic of this.

Patrick Kane: (Holding his nose with his referee jersey) OK, that is definitely against the rules. DISQUALIFIED. Team BizNasty wins!

BizNasty: Panty Soup!

Dan Ellis: Where’s our rings?

Pierre McGuire: Courtesy of our sponsor with the clean, refreshing taste, you both receive a lifetime supply of Labatt Blue lager!

BizNasty: Omigod.

Dan Ellis: No ring? Not even a 24 karat trophy? Eff this.

BizNasty: Beat it Ellis. Kaner you want his prize?

Patrick Kane: Do I want free beer? Do the Kaniacs like hearing stories about Niagara Falls?

Randy Moller: That’s gonna do it for us at the First and probably Last NHL Beer Pong Extravaganza. My thanks to all our competitors and sponsors, namely Labatt Blue the beer with the slight hop aroma, fruity character and slightly sweet taste. For the Turtle Guy, I’m Randy Moller. Thanks for watching. Shablagoo!

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