Dustin Penner Missing…James Gandolfini Tired, But in Good Spirits
The Los Angeles Kings are offering a game-worn Tom Preissing jersey as a reward for anyone with knowledge of Dustin Penner’s whereabouts. Team officials announced this morning that Penner was likely kidnapped Monday, February 28th, a day before he was due to arrive in Los Angeles via trade.
In a stunning press conference this morning, General Manager Dean Lombardi admitted to enlisting the help of celebrity fans in order to fill the role. According to Lombardi, once he learned that the proven NHL superstar failed to arrive in Los Angeles, he put a call out to childhood friend and actor, James Gandolfini.
“It was all I could do. I found the closest thing to Dustin, threw a jersey at him, and said ‘We need ya, kid,” Lombardi said. “Luckily, being an actor, James was up to the challenge. James had an advantage from the beginning. He shares a very similar body composition to Dustin and the same work ethic when it comes to physical activity. He’s just as fast as Dustin. We really lucked out.”
“I don’t know why I did it. I guess I didn’t want people to be all pissy with me and call me names because I couldn’t really make a lot of things happen this season,” Lombardi explains. “Look, I tried really hard. Give me that.”
Lombardi also credited Gandolfini for helping the Kings develop the power play.
“I handed him the marker board and told him to have at it. He came back to Jamie (Kompon) and Terry (Murray) 5 minutes later with his plan,” Lombardi beamed. “Less movement equals more goals. We instantly put his top secret Hollywood plan to use.”
Gandolfini amassed 2 goals and 4 assists in 19 games in his star-studded stint with the Kings.
“We need your help finding Dustin,” Lombardi pleaded. “James informed me that he has no desire to keep playing for the team, which is a little surprising considering his intensity and eagerness on the ice. So, now we need the real Dustin back because we certainly aren’t going to give Moller a chance,” Lombardi chuckled.
If you have any knowledge of Penner’s whereabouts, please contact the LA Kings at 1-888-KingsLA.
UPDATE: At 2:32pm, Dean Lombardi announced that Penner is safe and in the Kings’ possession. Lombardi admitted to fabricating the story of Gandolfini, as he thought fans would think it was more likely that 49-year old James Gandolfini was on the ice than the 28-year-old Dustin Penner.
“Had you for a minute, though,” Lombardi smiled.